


Advanced Despair

by onemechanicalalligator



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Friendship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:15:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25515622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onemechanicalalligator/pseuds/onemechanicalalligator
Summary: Sometimes Jeff wakes up and knows it’s going to be a Bad Day.
Comments: 14
Kudos: 100





	Advanced Despair

Sometimes Jeff wakes up and knows it’s going to be a Bad Day. Those are the days when he stays home from school, or goes to school in sunglasses and pretends to be hungover so everyone will leave him alone, and who cares if they think he has a drinking problem? 

It’s easier to explain than the deep sadness that seems to be blooming from his heart and eating away at the rest of him, organs, bones, everything, just consuming him from the inside out. 

It’s easier than trying to explain why his eyes haven’t stopped leaking since he woke up, and he wishes he could go home and deal with it, let himself cry for real and just let it out instead of pretending he’s sniffly from allergies and furiously trying to blink away the glassy film of tears that keeps gushing into his eyes and threatening to send salt streaks past the rims of the sunglasses and down across his cheeks.

It’s easier blaming it on alcohol than reaching out to his friends and asking for help, for a hug or a pat or literally any kind of physical contact, because as much as he craves it he is also repulsed by the thought of being touched, and the contradiction of the whole thing is so infuriating it makes him want to--

He doesn’t know what it makes him want to do, because he won’t let his thoughts go down that path. He can’t consider the things he _wants to do_ right now, because he knows how he is when it gets like this, and the things he _wants to do_ are destructive things, harmful things, Bad Things, and he can’t do Bad Things on a Bad Day. There are people he loves who could be affected, and he wants to spare them, even if he’s not one of those people, even if he deserves every bad idea his mind could conjure. He knows he just has to get through this, and then it will be over, if even just for a little while.

During study group he messes around on his phone and searches for things that are purposely upsetting to him, tries to find a way to make himself feel worse, and he doesn’t know why he does it, but he can’t make himself stop. He fixates on trauma and absent fathers and alcoholism and loneliness. Things his therapist calls his triggers, and she always tries to make him talk about them, and he never does, because he doesn’t deserve to work through his issues, he doesn’t know how not to be fucked up. He reads about successful lawyers and happy families and healthy relationships, things he knows he can’t have.

He thinks about his friends and how much they mean to him, and then he hates himself for who he is and how he is and wonders how he can dare force these wonderful people to spend time with him, to look at him, to speak to him, to try to _know_ him. He’s embarrassed, and he feels manipulative, selfish. He feels like a monster.

He’s short with them when they speak to him, and grumpy, and his voice is all gravelly and he blames it on drinking all night and not sleeping, blames it on a fictional party he went to, because why not, and none of them question what adult is throwing a party on a Wednesday, they all just write it off as Jeff being Jeff.

Shirley tells him he should come to church with her, that Jesus helped her leave a life of binge-drinking behind, and he’s impressed that she’s finally willing to talk about it, and then he feels like a massive dick because she’s sharing this with him when he _lied to her,_ and it’s too late to turn it around. He feels so bad about it that he starts to panic, so he spouts some anti-religion bullshit at her, stuff he doesn’t even _believe,_ and it upsets her and she storms off.

Britta tries to therapize him, to find out why he’s drinking so much in the first place, but he deflects and deflects and hates himself and deflects some more until she finally gives up, gives him a hug that lasts both too long and not long enough, and reminds him that he has her number and her phone is always on.

Annie mostly just looks sad and disappointed, tries to get a Winger speech out of him, and eventually gives up and asks if he wants her to grab him some coffee or Tylenol or food, and it’s a kind offer, and he coughs so no one can hear him getting choked up, and then he says no thank you, because he’s not actually hungover and he’s definitely not hungry.

Troy wants to know more about the party, and keeps bugging Jeff for details, and then stops so abruptly it can only be because Abed kicked him under the table.

Pierce just says, _nice,_ and claps Jeff on the shoulder.

Jeff stays behind after everyone leaves, puts his head in his hands, and then almost falls out of his chair when Abed speaks, because he forgot Abed was still there, because he’s so damn quiet and still.

Abed tilts his head and asks what’s really the matter, and Jeff says he drank too much, and Abed says if that’s true, why doesn’t he smell like alcohol, and why isn’t he bothered by how noisy it is, and why didn’t he want coffee, because he always wants coffee when he’s hungover. Jeff tells him it’s just different this time, okay, and not to worry about it, and to just leave him alone.

And Abed does leave him alone, but he doesn't _leave,_ he just turns off the lights in the room and walks over to the couch and pulls out his laptop and turns on some TV show, and Jeff puts his head down on the table and listens, lets it drown out some of the noise in his head. He doesn’t follow the story, has no idea what the show is even about, and when his thoughts go to a Dark Place he finally pulls off his sunglasses and lets himself cry, doesn’t even try to be quiet, and it’s messy and gross and he doesn’t care because it makes a small part of him feel just a tiny bit lighter, and that’s enough for now.

When he’s empty of tears he doesn’t move, just goes back to listening to Abed’s show, and he’s not sure how much time passes before the dialogue stops and he hears the click of Abed’s laptop closing, the rustle of him putting it in his messenger bag, and then something drops onto the table next to Jeff, followed by the sound of the door opening.

When Jeff sits up, Abed is gone and there’s a pack of tissues next to him.


End file.
